You know, I was mistaken in my post on Tiger Woods and his anger management. Because, I think what he’s got a problem with isn’t anger; it’s shame (which is anger at yourself).
From what I can tell, Tiger Woods explodes when he makes a mistake, which means he’s working with shame. And as we all know, shame can be a very tricky emotion. What I look for in a person’s relationship to shame is when the shame arises and how it’s handled.
For instance, if you’ve got a bad habit you’re trying to break (like poor eating or poor exercise habits, drinking, smoking, too much interwebs, etc.), and you just cannot break the pattern, you need to work with your shame. When it’s healthy, your shame will arise before you do something you shouldn’t. You’ll think of eating a candy bar, but you won’t because you know you won’t feel well if you do. You won’t feel ashamed of yourself; instead, your shame will move forward to question you before you do something that would break down your resolve or your self image.
When you have a healthy relationship to your shame, you may not even be able to identify it as shame. You’ll just live by an internal moral code, and you won’t be tormented by treats or naughty behaviors or seductions. You’ll just be a stable presence in the world, and you’ll feel proud of your resolve and your ethics.
But when your shame is out of balance, you’ll do something wrong, or something you know you shouldn’t (or you’ll make a mistake), and afterward, this hot, shameful, withering feeling will overtake you and make you feel like crap. You may berate yourself or call yourself names. You may throw a golf club or have a tantrum of self-hatred, and you may embarrass the people around you because you seem pretty unstable. And sadly, you won’t learn from your mistakes, because your shameful self-abuse won’t lead you to any useful awareness. Because when you tantrum, you’re essentially throwing the shame away.
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