One of my favorite acting teachers had a really dry wit. We were in an improv class, and she had some advanced actors do a scene to show the rest of us what was possible. But they didn’t get into the flow of it. After they were finished, she moved toward the stage and said, “Okay, let’s run that scene again, but this time, be better actors.”

Everyone fell out laughing.

I love that so much! My husband and I apply it to everything: Better cooking, better writing, better driving. It’s so perfect!

They — and some things I’ve read over the years — have taught me a few things that one can do when providing criticism:

1. Make a “criticism” sandwich — start and end with praise: “This is the start of a beautiful painting, Amy. I think the composition might look a little more balanced if you add one more tree over here. But I really love your use of color, and the lake looks so realistic.”

2. Criticize the work, not the person. Not “Geez, Phil, you’d be such a better actor if you’d work on your physical awareness,” but “Phil, I’m seeing some tension in your shoulders; it might be getting in the way of letting your body really sink into this role. Have you tried doing some warm-ups and stretches to help release that tension?”

3. Offer criticism as a way to improve the work, not as a tearing-down of the work. Not, “Gina, your piece is rife with typos; you had three run-on sentences; and you misused the word ‘construe,’” but “Gina, I see your passion in this essay you’ve written. I think it could be really powerful and effective; it just needs a little polishing. May I make a few suggestions?”

There may be some people who are so severely boundary-impaired that even these tips might not help … but I have found that following these guidelines seems to work with the vast majority of people I’ve encountered. Myself included.

I have a question: If you think back to your most boundary-impaired days, how would you like to have been approached about something you did wrong? Would there be any way at all to approach you without your feeling really crappy about yourself? I feel so much empathy for boundary-impaired people that it’s possible that I imagine them feeling more pain than they do. I wonder?

Thanks!
Karla