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Speaking the language of emotions …

What’s so funny ’bout “negative” emotions?

July 14th, 2010 | Comments (18)

Photo of cranky puppy
Last week, I spoke at two bookstores here in California. During one Q&A, someone asked me about the ideas a current spiritual teacher has about emotions. This teacher says that emotions are the body’s responses to thoughts. I blurted out “Oh, he’s full of sh!t.”

Out loud.

I experienced a complete failure of my internal monologue system. Oh shiiiite! You could hear a pin drop, and then you could hear all the angels who were dancing on that pin drop as well. Thud.

Clearly, I had gone quite loopy. I forgot that you never question a spiritual teacher’s ideas. You also can’t express “negative” emotions about spiritual teachers. There’s absolutely no mechanism for those normal human behaviors in many spiritual circles.

How fortunate it is that we’re not in any spiritual circle!

I am sorry that I blurted out what I really thought about this guy’s ideas, but it’s not as if they were original thoughts of his. I’ve heard similar ideas bandied about for decades in an endless number of spiritual ideologies, but I naively hoped that they had gone away. To meet them again in 2010, re-packaged but not reconsidered — wow, it was a shock. It wasn’t just an angering event: I felt depressed, despairing, offended, horrified, and sort of crushed under the weight of centuries of emotionally-stunted ignorance.

I could have responded by being diplomatic and all-encompassing. I could have utilized assuaging and comfortable social lies. I could have applied my giant vocabulary to the creation of some temporizing and politically apt non-answer. I certainly know how to do that. I could have looked really pulled-together and above the fray. But instead, I used the magic healing balm of of swearing to help myself tolerate the intense pain I was feeling. Swearing is fecking magnificent!!!

But I was in a place where kids could hear me, so that was crass. Dang! I hope the parents used it as a teaching moment.

Now, after many days and liberal amounts of analgesic, health-building swearing in private, I can be more nuanced in my response.

Some Thoughts about Emotions

Contrary to the opinions of many metaphysical and spiritual thinkers, thoughts do not control emotions; they can’t. Emotions are irreplaceable aspects of our intelligence, and they evolved over many hundreds of thousands of years (okay, millions; thanks Leo) to help us survive. Emotions are instinctual, protective, communicative, and meaning-generating aspects of our thought processes. Without them, we can’t understand other people, we can’t communicate or connect; we can’t love, we can’t learn properly, and we can’t even make decisions, as Antonio Damasio showed us in his classic book, Descartes’ Error.

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Intuition is what?

July 9th, 2010 | Comments (2)

Photo of intuitive cat

People are very interested in increasing their intuition, and there’s a fascinatingly mistaken idea about intuition in many circles, which is that intuition has nothing to do with thoughts or emotions — that it comes from another place altogether. In point of fact, intuition isn’t otherworldly or extrasensory; it’s clearly an empathic skill that we all possess, and it comes directly from our emotions.

In my post on the gifts of sadness, we learned to channel sadness and access the gifts of relaxation and revitalization it brings us. It is fascinating to me that many meditation systems utilize the gifts of sadness without realizing which emotion they’re using. This confusion about emotions is universal; we’re trained from our earliest days to see emotions as troublesome, or negative, or as the opposite of rationality, intuition, relaxation, or spirituality.

None of that is true, but these ideas get repeated so often that they become self-fulfilling prophecies. When we treat our emotions as problems, they become problematic. However, when we can learn to see them with more clarity, we can find the gifts, messages, and skills they bring us.

Luckily, empaths have the capacity to work with emotions in clear ways, so let’s bring some full-bodied clarity to the intuitive emotion that we’ve all been taught to view with suspicion.

Channeling Your Natural Intuition

For this exercise, you’ll need a quiet place where you can sit or stand comfortably.

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Will you be there?

July 1st, 2010 | Comments (3)

Book cover of The Language of Emotions

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

All the cool kids are getting together tonight (well, it will be all the cool kids if you show up)!

I’ll be talking about The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying To Tell You at Barnes & Noble in San Jose tonight, and I’d love to see you there!

I’ll be talking about the book and the audio learning set, answering questions, teaching a few new skills, and signing books! If you can’t make it, don’t fret. I’ve got other gigs set up (see the calendar), and more on the way. Yeeha, we’re gonna get emotional and much smarter — all at the same time!

Tonight, July 8th at 6:30 pm in San Jose

Free talk with Q&A and book signings (plenty of room!). (408) 984-3495
Barnes & Noble Stevens Creek: 3600 Stevens Creek Blvd, San Jose 95117

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Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!

June 23rd, 2010 | Comments (18)

Photo of passive aggressive resaurant patron

Are you dealing with Passive-Aggressives? These people fall through on their promises and responsibilities and then blame everyone and everything but themselves. They also have the charming tendency to blame you or bring up grievances when you call them on their non-performance. What is going on with these people?

Wikipedia has a good description of the behavior:

Passive–aggressive behavior, a personality trait, is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations.

It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.

About.com also has a good article on passive aggression:

Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you’ve been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person’s feelings may be so repressed that they don’t even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

My mother referred to this behavior as “The tyranny of the weak.” Great saying, Ma! But it’s also emotionally revealing, because a passive aggressive person is someone whose relationship to anger is twisted (which is why they’re weak), and sadly, that problem means that the rest of the emotions will be twisted as well (and here comes the tyranny!).

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Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

June 16th, 2010 | Comments (8)

There are a number of saddening stories out this week on a topic close to my heart: Depression.

Some drug companies are giving up on antidepressant research, many natural cures are not working, and yet another doctor has clambered onto the anti-medication soapbox. Sigh.

As a sufferer of early-onset major depression, I can tell you that antidepressants are certainly helpful, and that the placebo effect is not always the curative factor. Antidepressants work, and they saved my life and the lives of many people like me. Antidepressants rock! Of course, they are also problematic, but to throw them under the placebo bus is irresponsible in the extreme.

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