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Speaking the language of emotions …

How to Ignore People (!)

June 7th, 2010 | Comments (8)

Last week, we looked at a questionable study on empathy, and many of us took the test the study is based upon.

In the comments section, Lorelei shared her high empathy score (68 out of 70) and commented that “it can be a bit overwhelming” to feel so much for and from others. I empathize with that! Before I knew how to manage my extreme empathy, my life was pretty miserable, and I write about that in the early part of The Language of Emotions. But there is a happy ending, because I figured out how to work with and moderate my empathy so that it stopped ruining my life.

The five empathic skills I write about in the book are central to creating the privacy and emotional flexibility empaths need. But what I didn’t write about is a magical skill I’m calling How to Ignore People.

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The Roots of Empathy

June 1st, 2010 | Comments (20)

Book cover of The Language of EmotionsI’ve written a great deal about what it means to be an empath, and luckily for all of us, empathy is a big topic right now.

I just discovered a study that seems to measure empathy. The study is in the news right now because the researchers have concluded that students today are 40% less empathetic than they were in the 1970s. Hmmmmmm.

I’ve got a problem with the study because it’s based on self-responses to written questions, and those tend to follow trends in how people want to be seen, rather than telling the truth about how people actually behave. You can take the test here and see what I mean.

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Skills You Can’t Get Any Other Way

May 22nd, 2010 | Comments (4)

Photo of overflowing treasure chest

Hello Again!

I’m doing lots of interviews about The Language of Emotions, and people are consistently asking me what makes my work different. First, of course, is that I don’t see emotions as problems to be eradicated. Rather, I listen to the emotions to discover what they’re for, what they want, and what they do.

And in the early days, I did that with what I call “place-taking,” or empathy, where I worked with each emotion as a distinct thing and tried to figure out how it worked in the psyche. As I became more knowledgeable about each emotion, I was then able to track it as it interacted with the other emotions and with other people.

This place-taking is something you may have done in the physical world. For instance, when I build or sew something, fix plumbing, or install a light fixture, I find that it’s easier for me to understand what’s supposed to happen if I take the place of certain things. For instance, I imagine how each piece will interact with the others, and work out the connections by physically imagining that I’m the wire, or the seam, or the pipe junction. It sounds strange, but it works, especially if you’ve got a wacky dyslexic brain like I do.

When I tutored other people with learning disabilities, I found that recruiting this place-taking ability really helped my students cement their knowledge of otherwise theoretical things like algebraic functions or biological processes. For instance, if you can act as the carbon molecule that gets knocked inward from a cell membrane when light hits it (this initiates photosynthesis), you can physically understand how plants make sugar from light. You don’t have to rely on memorization because you can actually walk yourself through it.

I do this naturally, or perhaps I learned to do it to keep up with my siblings who were not as clearly learning disabled as I was. You had to think fast in my family, so I learned lots of workarounds for my brain.

And so it was natural for me to take this place-taking approach with emotions, especially since people are so confused about them. For me, if there’s a really impossible problem, I just jump in imaginally and place-take with all of the different pieces so that I can figure out what’s going on.

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Listen to Your Emotions and Become More Rational

May 18th, 2010 | Comments (4)

Photo of happy cat

I just did a radio interview with Natasha Dern on a Canadian show called Buddha Lounge (to air this Sunday, May 23rd, when you can listen live).

We talked a bit about the practice of Conscious Complaining, which I created to help people access their emotions in a healthy and useful way. Natasha has used something similar herself for many years, which is to write all of her complaints into a journal so they don’t fester inside her head. Yes!

Conscious Complaining really whets people’s interest in my book, because we’re always told not to complain and not to feel our difficult emotions. However, this isn’t a workable way to manage emotions. This is why: We feel our emotions because they have something very specific to teach us. They’re not here to punish us. Each emotion gives us specific skills, and each one is necessary. If we bottle up our emotions, we can’t learn from them. And if we can’t learn from them, we’re not going to be intelligent about them or about our situations and our relationships.

So Conscious Complaining gives us a practice for those times when our emotions are not socially acceptable, and by turning it into a practice, we can make our intense or uncomfortable emotions less toxic immediately. What’s really interesting to me is that when people have permission to complain (consciously), their complaining becomes more focused, more useful, and more intelligent. With Conscious Complaining, you don’t just stand around whining and moaning about the world. Instead, you learn to listen to your emotions so that you can attain the skills they bring you. And those skill add immensely to your capacity for rationality.

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More on Autism and Mirror Neurons … oh, and Hah!

May 13th, 2010 | Comments (1)

Back on April 2nd, I posted on World Autism Awareness Day and wrote about my sense that my autistic friends didn’t have a problem with their mirror neurons. Instead, I felt that they had a problem with sensory overload.

And I’m not the only one!

Neuroscientist Ilan Dinstein and colleagues performed an fMRI brainscan study on 13 autistic adults and 10 “neurotypical” adults and found that there was no deficit in the mirror neuron systems of the autistic adults. You can see a video about the study here.

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