Befriending all of your emotions!
In my post on befriending your anger, I re-framed anger as a necessary emotion that supports you in developing and maintaining your healthy self image. Now, let’s look at the emotion that I call anger’s friend or partner: shame.
I envision healthy anger as the sentry that calmly walks the perimeter of your self-image and watches out for any challenges to what you value or to your sense of self. I envision shame as a related sentry emotion that turns inward and watches you and your behaviors so that you don’t unnecessarily challenge, offend against, or wound others.
When it’s working well, your shame helps you become a stand-up person who follows an inner code of ethics and honor — in regard to other people, certainly, but also in regard to yourself. And thankfully, when you and your shame are working well together, it won’t torment you; it will support you.
As I developed my empathic theory of emotions, I continually tripped over competing definitions of guilt and shame, and it seemed that everywhere I looked, people were defining these two words differently — and sometimes in ways that directly contradicted each other. I got really fed up, so I went to a dictionary to see what was up.
Let’s clear up this confusion before we delve more deeply into this exquisite and necessary emotion. This piece is an excerpt from my book The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You.
The Difference between Guilt and Shame
In my early teens, I read a popular self-help book that branded guilt and shame as “useless” emotions. The book presented the idea that we’re all perfect, and therefore shouldn’t ever be guilt-ridden or ashamed of anything we do. That idea seemed very strange to me, so I went to the dictionary and looked up guiltless and shameless and found that neither state was anything to celebrate.
To be guiltless means to be free of mark or experience, as if you’re a blank slate. It’s not a sign of intelligence or growth, because guiltlessness exists only in people who have not yet lived.
To be shameless means to be senseless, uncouth, and impudent. It’s a sign of being out of control, out of touch, and exceedingly self-absorbed; therefore, shamelessness lives only in people who don’t have any relational skills. Both states – guiltlessness and shamelessness – helped me understand the essential value of guilt and shame.
Fascinatingly, in a dictionary definition, guilt isn’t even an emotional state at all – it’s simply the knowledge and acknowledgement of wrongdoing. Guilt is a state of circumstance: you’re either guilty or not guilty in relation to the legal or moral code you value.
You cannot feel guilty, because guilt is a concrete state – not an emotional one! Your feelings are irrelevant; if you did something wrong, you’re guilty, and it doesn’t matter if you’re happy, angry, fearful, or depressed about it. When you don’t do something wrong, you’re not guilty.
Feelings don’t enter into the equation at all. The only way you could possibly ever feel guilty is if you don’t quite remember committing an offense (“I feel like I might be guilty, but I’m not sure.”). No, what you feel is shame.
Guilt is a factual state; shame is an emotion.
Shame is the natural emotional consequence of guilt and wrongdoing. When your shame is working well in your psyche, its powerful heat and intensity will restore your boundaries when you’ve broken them yourself. However, most of us don’t welcome shame into our lives; we obscure it by saying “I feel guilty” instead of “I feel ashamed,” which speaks volumes about our current inability to identify and acknowledge our guilt, channel our appropriate shame, and make amends.
This is the real shame, because when we don’t welcome and honor our necessary shame, we cannot manage our own behavior. We’ll continually do things we know are wrong – and we won’t have the strength to stop ourselves. In our never-ending shamelessness, we’ll offend and offend and offend – we’ll always be guilty – because nothing will wake us to our effect on the world.
If we continue to use the incorrect statement “I feel guilty,” we’ll be unable to right our wrongs, amend our behaviors, or discover where our shame originated – which means we’ll be unable to experience true happiness or contentment (both of which arise when we skillfully navigate through any difficult emotion). If we don’t come out and correctly state “I’m ashamed of myself,” we’ll never improve.
I’ll say it again before we go deeper: Guilt is a factual state, not an emotional one. You’re either guilty or not guilty.
If you’re not guilty, then there’s nothing to be ashamed of. However, if you are guilty, and you want to know what to do about the fact of your guilt, then you’ve got to embrace the information shame brings to you.
(From pages 198-200 in The Language of Emotions)
Embracing shame as your ally
Let’s look at the specific gifts and skills that shame brings to you.
SHAME: Restoring Integrity
GIFTS: Atonement ~ Integrity ~ Self-respect ~ Behavioral change
ACTION REQUIRED: Shame arises to help you moderate your behavior and make sure that you don’t hurt, embarrass, destabilize, or dehumanize yourself or others. Shame is a tricky emotion, because most of us learned about shame by being shamed. The healing practice for shame is to root out inauthentic and applied shaming messages, and to encourage authentic, appropriate, and healthy shame (and remorse) in yourself and others.
THE INTERNAL QUESTIONS: Who has been hurt? What must be made right?
Though many people suggest that shame is primarily unhealthy, it is in fact a crucial social emotion, and it’s directly connected to the empathic aspect of Concern for Others (see The Six Essential Aspects of Empathy). Shame development is essential for the development of empathy, and it’s the primary emotion that makes you honorable and capable of being a worthy relationship partner, colleague, and person.
Shame is certainly an emotion that can overwhelm you, but when you can get into a healthy empathic relationship to it, shame can be your best friend. Shame can help you live up to your internal moral code so that you can take excellent care of yourself.
Shame can also make you very sensitive socially, so that you’ll be able to stop yourself (gently and appropriately) before you say or do something wrong. Your shame will also help you make amends if you realize that you’ve hurt someone, stuck your foot in your mouth, or broken a social rule.
Identifying the Gifts of Shame
The statements below relate to the gifts of shame. How true are these statements for you?
- I have a fairly easy time changing problem behaviors or old habits
- When I make a social blunder, I have an easy time apologizing and correcting myself
- I am able to ask for help and support from others
- I can manage my intense emotions without attacking others
- I live up to my promises (or I make new agreements if I can’t live up to them)
The Gifts of Shame. These statements may seem to relate to behavioral maturity (and they do), but they’re also the gifts of shame – which help you monitor and modify your behavior. Interestingly, when your shame is working gracefully, you won’t feel it as shame. Instead, you’ll just behave in a way that makes you feel comfortable and proud of yourself.
For instance, you’ll floss because you like clean teeth (and not because you’ve been shamed into obsessive dental hygiene), you’ll avoid theft and abusiveness because they don’t feel right (and not because you’ve been shamed or terrorized out of them), and you’ll manage your intense emotions skillfully because you respect the basic human rights of others.
Though many of us have a very troubling relationship with shame because it was applied to us as punishment when we were young, shame is absolutely crucial for your social health and well-being.
An update on shame
From the Shame chapter in The Language of Emotions
The Gifts of Shame: Restoring Integrity
Integrity ~ Atonement ~ Self-respect ~ The capacity to amend your behavior
Shame arises when your boundaries have been broken from the inside – by something you’ve done wrong, or have been convinced is wrong. While anger is the honorable sentry that faces outward and protects your boundaries from external damage, shame is the sentry that faces inward and protects your internal boundaries (and the boundaries of others) from your own incorrect or ill-conceived behaviors.
Shame is a vital and irreplaceable emotion that helps you mature into a conscious and well-regulated person. With shame’s assistance, you’ll be able to honorably monitor your emotions, your thoughts, your desires, and your behavior. However, if you don’t have conscious access to your shame, you won’t understand yourself, you’ll be haunted by improper behaviors and compulsions, you may deal with intense shame that torments you, and you’ll be unable to stand upright at the center of your life.
The questions for shame are: Who (or what) has been hurt? and What must be made right? These questions help you apply shame honorably, and you won’t be painfully shame-filled or guilt-ridden; instead, you’ll have a compassionate sense of ethics, the courage to judge and supervise your own conduct, and the strength to amend your behaviors without inflating or deflating your ego unnecessarily.
When you work successfully with your shame, you’ll feel proud of yourself, and you’ll move naturally into happiness and contentment.
When shame arises in response to your own authentic and addressable flaws or missteps, it flows appropriately (and often a step or two in front of your behavior). If you welcome your shame, you’ll stop yourself before you do something injurious, before you say the wrong thing, or before you enter into unhealthy behaviors or relationships. We all need help figuring out our behaviors in the social world — and shame is the precise emotion that offers this help.
Your shame will help you turn away from your own maliciousness, charlatanism, and thievery – even when no one’s looking. It will keep you punctual, polite, and upstanding, and it will lead you gently but firmly away from the path of temptation. It will stand at your inner boundary and monitor everything you do. With its honorable assistance, you’ll become a conscientious and well-moderated asset to yourself and our world. As a result, you’ll experience authentic self-respect – which will lead you time and time again to true contentment and happiness. Shame is your friend, so welcome it and learn to work with it.
Most of us were not taught to welcome or work with our authentic shame and remorse (which all of us feel naturally, especially when we’ve hurt someone); instead, most of us were taught about shame by being shamed. Authority figures such as parents, teachers, peers, and the media often attempt to teach and control us by applying shame from the outside, instead of trusting our natural ability to moderate our own behavior.
As a result, many of us can’t identify our own shame, which is actually sensible, momentary, and empowering: Your hand goes out for a cookie, you realize you don’t need it, and you walk away. That’s shame working properly. Afterward, you feel strong and aware, and you simply live by a moral code. You floss because you like clean teeth, you avoid drugs, adultery, and crime because they’re uninteresting, and you treat people well because it feels right. That’s what your free-flowing shame feels like.
The first task in working with shame is to welcome it with open arms. When your shame arises in the presence of others (it usually appears first as an internal pull in the gut, a flush of heat, a momentary speechlessness, or a sense of internal caution), it’s important to listen to your shame. If your shame stops you before you say or do something shameful, you can thank it and make your necessary preemptive corrections.
If you don’t know why your shame has come forward, you can ask yourself or the people around you if you’ve done something incorrect (Who – or what – has been hurt?), and apologize or make amends if necessary (What must be made right?).
Of course, your shame can be unrelated to the present, and unrelated to your current reality; it can come from the shaming messages you got from others. If so, your empathic mindfulness practices (especially Burning Contracts) will help you shake off these messages so that you and your shame can live more comfortably and authentically in the present moment.
Yes, shame can be an incapacitating emotion. It’s a rapids-level emotion for many of us, but when an emotion is powerful, it doesn’t necessarily have to be dangerous.
When you’re dealing with shame or any other supposedly toxic or “negative” emotion (see this post on valencing), remember that emotions and empathy are your first language. Yes, your emotions can speak to you in a way that sounds like gibberish, but they each have a very specific function and a vital set of gifts and skills for you. Welcome and befriend them all; your emotions are an intrinsic part of your intelligence, your empathic skills, your relationships skills, and your behavior. All emotions are necessary.
In the next post: The ingenious masking states of apathy and boredom