Jealousy (and its partner envy) needs a hearty welcome, because these two emotions are perhaps the most hated (and valenced) emotions in the entire emotional realm. This is a tragedy, because jealousy and envy are essential for your social survival — you really need them! Luckily, you can work with jealousy and envy empathically and shield yourself from the deeply unfortunate things we’ve all been taught … Read More
My husband Tino, who’s a lucid dreamer, found the perfect question for confusion in a dream, where he heard this saying: “Intention ends all ambiguity.” Since then, if either of us drops into confusion about some decision, project, or relationship, we ask each other “What’s your intention?” This question usually illuminates the struggles and difficulties we face — and the reason our confusion showed up in … Read More
Welcoming the healing break of confusion In my empathic approach to emotions, I’ve separated emotions into seventeen categories that are based on the unique actions each emotion requires. When I created these categories, I wasn’t trying to erase emotional nuance; I did it so that you could get a handle on your emotions and develop a working emotional vocabulary. I identify two healing and protective emotions … Read More
In the updated 2023 version of my book, The Language of Emotions, anxiety has its very own chapter. But in the original, it didn’t because I didn’t understand anxiety very well! It wasn’t until late 2010 — after the original version of the book came out — that I heard Dr. Mary Lamia on my car radio and realized what had caused my complete emotional ignorance … Read More
There are gifts in anxiety? Yes! People are often very surprised to learn that anxiety contains gifts, because anxiety is usually described only in terms of disorder or disease. However, at its most subtle level, anxiety (which is related to fear) helps you plan for the future and complete important tasks. Really! When I look at the problem of nuance, I see that so many of … Read More
A safe and easy exercise to help you access your fear For this exercise, you’ll need a quiet place where you can sit or stand comfortably. When you’ve found your quiet place, lean your body forward a little bit, and try to hear the quietest sound in your area. Keep your shoulders down and away from your ears; good posture helps your hearing. You can also … Read More
Welcoming the gifts of fear! Many of us have been taught to see fear as a problem, but it’s actually an intuitive emotion that helps you orient yourself, connect with your instincts, and act and respond skillfully. Fear helps you orient you to change and novel situations, and it focuses on the present moment and your immediate surroundings. But if you think of the ways we … Read More
Understanding hatred Previously, we looked at our tendency to express our hatred instead of working with it more deeply. Often, we can become obsessive about our hate targets and project all sorts of troubling material onto them. The fascinating thing about hatred is that you choose your hate targets not simply because they’re odious, but because they’re specifically odious in ways that cause specific, shadow-driven hatequakes … Read More
Hatred: The Shadowy and Necessary Emotion As we take a tour through the emotional realm, we’ve started with the Anger Family emotions that help you set boundaries: Anger, shame/guilt, and apathy (the protective mask for anger). Now, we’ll look at an emotion that can set boundaries in very troubling ways if you don’t know how to work with it: hatred. Actually, we’ll continue to look at hatred … Read More
Your apathy steps forward to protect you for many reasons. You may be in an unworkable relationship, job, or situation where you can’t set clear boundaries. You may not have a practice for your anger yet. You may be avoiding your fatigue. Your apathy may be protecting you from moving into a necessary depression if you don’t have time to slow down (or if you don’t … Read More